Soldier vs Sarge (Team Fortress 2 vs Red VS Blue)

"The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America, When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands whi-“ -Declaration of Independence


Soldier, Team Fortress’s explosive patriotic mercenary.


Sarge, the Blue-hating leader of the Red Team.


What does it mean to be a soldier? Putting your life on the line for the freedom of those you love? Fighting against those who seek to take that freedom away? Or is it simply the adrenaline rush you get from being on the battlefield? Well, for these two battle-hungry leaders, it’s that last one times a hundred. They bleed red, white and anything else but blue, and will stop at nothing to achieve victory in their eternal war against the cerulean devils. But if these two decorated veterans were to come across each other in the battlefield, who would emerge victorious after an explosive fight, where their suits won’t be the only things red? Stand at attention, maggots, because it’s time for a DEATH BATTLE!

Before We Start

Once again, it’ll be pretty standard stuff this time around. For Soldier, we’ll be primarily looking at his material from the Team Fortress 2 game, comics, and official promotional material. For Sarge, we’ll be looking at the original Red vs Blue show and its adjacent versions, and any non-canon material such as cross-scaling to Halo will not be included. In particular, since Sarge’s arsenal is fairly limited in terms of his consistently used weapons, we’ll be using just about any weapon he’s been seen wielding and using throughout the series.

Background

Soldier

"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!  Sun Tzu said that.”

In 1950, Zepheniah Nieodemus Mann passed away, leaving his family land and business to his two "brain defective" sons, Blutarch and Redmond Mann.  The two brothers would squabble over who deserved their fathers’ land more for decades, eventually expanding into a full-fleshed war between hired mercenaries.  These cold-blooded killers all had their own areas of expertise, from the Scout’s quickness to the Sniper’s deadly accuracy.  But none could be more proud to fight for the star-spangled flag as Mister Jane Doe himself, the Soldier.


The Soldier only knows one thing; war.  Though he desperately wanted to fight in World War 2, the Soldier was rejected from every branch of the United States military.  Undaunted, he bought his own ticket to Europe, and after arriving in and finally locating Poland, the Soldier taught himself how to load and fire a variety of weapons before embarking on a Nazi-killing spree for which he was awarded several medals… that he designed and made himself.  His rampage ended immediately upon hearing about the end of the war in 1949.  But since being hired by the Mann Brothers for their never-ending war, the Soldier found his purpose in blowing those dirty Blues to smithereens.  So as long as he can wave that flag with pride, it’ll be hard to keep the Soldier out of duty for very long.


Sarge

“I hope you brought your wallet, ‘cause the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!”

Project Freelancer was a bold, advanced, and frankly stupid plan to try and make the ultimate super soldiers. The project planned to use artificial intelligence to create a league of perfect soldiers, but because they only had one AI, they needed to keep it safe. So they threw it into one of their Freelancer “training grounds” in the middle of nowhere filled with a bunch of idiots; makes total sense. This AI, now known as Church, joined the Blue Team, and opposing them was the Red Team. In order to keep this AI busy, they’d need the most excellent and capable leader for the Red Team, and they got the exact opposite of that in the form of Super Colonel Sarge.


Sarge was one of many Reds who was determined to hand it to the dirty Blues. After getting promoted to Blood Gulch’s captain though accidently killing all other candidates, he’d do exactly that, rounding up his ragtag team of soldiers day after day to try and eliminate the blue menaces on the other side of the canyon. These day by day adventures would only get crazier and crazier overtime however; despite being put in the middle of absolutely nowhere, trouble kept managing to find these two teams of idiots. Yet despite their stupidity, Sarge has managed to lead himself and his team through these constant troubles; they’ve fought off aliens, evil AIs, mercenaries, and even the Freelancers they were supposed to be fodder for. He and his friends may not be the most skilled or brightest, but after all they’ve been through you can’t help but give them respect, and they wouldn’t be able to do it without their Blue-hating colonel.


Equipment

Soldier

Rocket Launchers

The Soldier’s primary weapon for battle, with wooden grips, a large front sight, and a wide exhaust port.  It can hold up to four rockets, and can fire rockets at a speed of around 47 miles per hour.  Along with the standard rocket launcher, Soldier can also use a variety of other launchers with their own effects and stat upgrades, which include:


  • Original: Rockets fly straight down the crosshair from the center of the screen.

  • Direct Hit: 80% faster rocket speed, deals 25% more damage, and guarantees mini-crit damage on opponents sent airborne by an explosion, grapple hook, or enemy attack.

  • Black Box: Restores up to 20 health points with successful hits, but can only hold 3 rockets instead of 4.

  • Rocket Jumper: Deals no damage to enemies, but allows Soldier to rocket jump with no damage to himself, and grants +200% max primary ammo on wearer.

  • Liberty Launcher: Holds 5 rockets, 40% faster rocket speed, and -25% blast damage from rocket jumps.

  • Cow Mangler 5000: Fires energy blasts rather than rockets, and can be charged for a larger shot.

  • Beggar’s Bazooka: Can fire 3 rockets at once when charged up at the cost of -20% explosion radius.

  • Air Strike: -15% damage from rocket jumps, increased damage while rocket jumping, and clip size can be increased on kill for up to 8 rockets.


Secondary Weapons/Equipment

Alongside his rockets, Soldier comes equipped with many secondary items to assist him in battle, ranging from firearms to equipment that can greatly improve his performance in battle.


The firearms include:

  • Shotgun: A pump-action sawed-off shotgun that deals high damage at short ranges, but is less effective at longer ranges.

  • Reserve Shooter: Similar to the Shotgun, but deals mini-crits to targets that are blast jumping or being knocked back.

  • Righteous Bison: A ray gun that fires energy bolts, and can even penetrate through targets.

  • Panic Attack: Deploys 50% faster and fires 50% more pellets per shot, but deals 20% less damage.


Alongside these, Soldier can carry certain pieces of equipment to assist him, which include:

  • Buff Banner: A backpack with a flag in it; when Soldier takes 600 damage, Soldier blows into a bugle and grants him 10 seconds of 100% guaranteed mini-crits.

  • Gunboats: Grants 60% less self-inflicted damage from rocket jumping.

  • Battalion’s Backup: Similar to Buff Banner, but passively increases max health by 20 points, and when Soldier takes 600 damage, he’s granted immunity to critical hits, and increases damage resistance by 35% for 10 seconds.

  • Concheror: When Soldier takes 480 damage, he’s granted increased speed, and is healed for 35% of the damage he takes.  He’s also passively given a health regeneration depending on recent damage taken; max is +4.

  • Mantreads: Reduces knockback by 75%, deals damage to anyone Soldier falls on, and increases air movement during rocket jumps.

  • B.A.S.E Jumper: Gives Soldier a parachute that he can deploy midair.

Melee Weapons

When the Soldier wants to get even more close and personal with his enemies, he can use a wide variety of melee weapons to bludgeon or stab them to death.  It should be noted that there are some melee weapons that only Soldier can use, but can also wield weapons that the other Mercs can use.

The unique melee weapons include:

  • Shovel: An entrenching tool that Soldier himself says can barely dig holes.

  • Equalizer: A pickaxe that increases in power the lower Soldier’s health is.

  • Pain Train: Increases Soldier’s capture rate by 1 for points and carts, but raises bullet vulnerability by 10%

  • Half-Zatoichi: A katana with 50% longer melee range, and heals 50% of the user's base health on a successful kill.  It will give no random critical hits, decreases holster time by 75%, and once drawn, will sacrifice 50% health to put away.

  • Disciplinary Action: A riding crop that has 70% longer melee range, and can boost Soldier’s speed if hitting an ally, but deals 25% less damage overall.

  • Market Gardner: A shovel that deals critical hits when rocket jumping, but has slower melee speed overall.

  • Escape Plan: A pickaxe that increases Soldier’s movement speed the lower their health is, and will always take mini-crits when being wielded.

The melee weapons shared among the Mercs include:


Grenades

Seen in Meet the Soldier and also seen as one of his Taunts, Soldier regularly carries grenades on his person during battle; as we’ve only seen two both in the cinematic and in the taunt, it’s likely he only carries two at one time.


Sarge

Armor

As expected from a sci-fi-faring soldier, Sarge wears state-of-the-art biochemical body armor designed to both absorb the damage from bullets and explosions, survive the vacuum of space, as well as distinguish himself from the other Reds.  The model he and every other Red and Blue aside from Caboose is most known for wearing is the Mark VI.


Shotgun

Sarge’s primary weapon and favorite thing in the universe, this firearm is based off of the M90 shotgun, a pump-action scattershot that can hold up to 12 rounds at once.  Similar to just about any shotgun, this weapon is most effective at close ranges, and is Sarge’s most used gun to date, preferring to get up close-and-personal with his enemies to blow them away.


Magnum

The M6 series Magnum is a weapon that is commonly used by nearly every character in Red vs. Blue, and serves as a representation of the characters talking to one another in the series without a weapon. Despite this, several characters have been shown using it as a weapon, holding up to 12 rounds.


Sniper Rifle

The SRS99C-S2 AM is a semi-automatic sniper rifle that shoots from a four-round magazine, and comes equipped with a 2x-10x optical scope.  While Sarge claims that any kind of sniper rifle is a “coward’s weapon”, he has been shown using it to shoot at Grif, though most often uses it as a long-range scouting tool due to the scope.


Flamethrower

The M7057 Flamethrower fires a large stream of liquid fuel that sets its targets ablaze with fire. Sarge used this weapon to incinerate a computer that contained instructions on how to diffuse a bomb strapped to the Warthog, claiming that his army won’t win by “looking at the answers at the back of the book.”


Gravity Hammer

The Type-2 Energy Weapon/Hammer, more commonly known as the Gravity Hammer, is a large melee weapon that allows its user to manipulate gravity, allowing them to push their opponents away or pull them towards them.  Sarge has been shown using this weapon in Grifball.  Although the Grifball PSA’s canonicity is questionable, we felt as if it was worth including either way.


Energy Sword

The Type-1 Energy Weapon/Sword, otherwise known as the Energy Sword, is a close-quarters melee weapon composed of plasma in the shape of a blade.  Despite this weapon being a highly honorable blade viewed as a holy weapon by the Sangheili warriors, it is another weapon seen in Grifball by the Reds and Blues.  Again, while the PSA may or may not be usable, it’ll be included here anyway.

Warthog/Puma/Chupathingy

The Red Team's choice of transportation, the Warthog is an effective battle vehicle weighing in at 3 tons and reaching a max speed of 78 mph.  Despite its effectiveness, they still always find a way to destroy it, though Sarge's mechanical skills are usually enough to get it back in working condition.

Abilities

Soldier

Rocket Jumping

A technique primarily utilized by Soldier, this allows him to gain extra height and mobility with the use of his rocket launcher.  By jumping and shooting at the ground beneath him at the same time, Soldier can use the explosion from his rockets to propel himself into the air, usually to access hard-to-reach places or to travel great distances in a short amount of time.  This does usually cost some health, but much of Soldier’s equipment can mitigate or even remove the damage taken, like with the Gunboats or the Rocket Jumper.

Sarge

Engineering/Mechanical Expertise

Despite Sarge’s repeated buffoonery, he is surprisingly talented when it comes to mechanics and engineering.  As stated previously, he was able to get the Warthog back into working condition all on his own, and even reconstructed Lopez’s body.  His skill isn’t perfect, however, as even Sarge admits that he isn’t as good at it as Tex or Lopez.  You know what they say, good mechanics make for good fathers!


Red Team Theme Song Generation

Sarge has the inexplicable ability to conjure a red flag and a set of vocals from nowhere to generate a theme song for the Red Team.  This ability has zero combat applicability aside from maybe annoying an enemy. 

Feats

Soldier

Overall

  • Fights the BLU team on a daily basis

  • One of the tankiest classes in the game

  • Killed hundreds, maybe thousands of Nazis in Poland

  • Went to outer space, Hell, and everywhere in-between

  • Defeated robotic versions of the Mercs, mutated bread, an evil Australian Santa Claus, and the Headless Horseman

  • Won a nose-picking contest

Strength

Speed

Durability


Sarge

Overall

  • Won Blood Gulch with the Reds (by technicality)

  • Has somehow managed to keep his entire team alive through all the chaos they’ve seen

  • Has kept up with trained Freelancers on multiple occasions

  • Defeated the Meta along with the rest of the Reds and Blues

  • Had a rap battle with Church (and won)


Strength


Speed


Durability

Weaknesses

Soldier

Despite his immense drive for anything war and battle, the Soldier is still very much a mortal man who constantly finds himself getting mowed down by enemy gunfire, set on fire and blown up on a daily basis.  His act-first think-later attitude doesn’t help, as he’ll constantly run head-first into a battlefield without any real plan of attack.  He’s also one of the slower classes in the game, and misuse of his rocket jumps can be a detriment rather than an advantage.

Sarge

Sarge is an arrogant moron, claiming to be a tactical genius, only to completely fuck it up and put his teammates in grave danger.  Additionally, he prefers his shotgun above most other weapons, meaning that he might not be as effective at longer ranges, and has been overwhelmed by those with close combat skills such as Tex.


Before The Verdict

Kill Me Come Back Stronger Pills

A point of contention when it comes to Soldier is the time he consumed, and this is the real name by the way: “Kill Me Come Back Stronger Pills.”  As you can see in the above panel, Soldier ate some of Merasmus’ pills thinking they were his heart medication, and thus would seemingly allow Soldier to come back from death.  Sounds fine, right?  Well, there are a couple of problems with this line of thinking.  


For one, even if they do exactly what they say, we don’t know if Soldier comes back immediately or if it’s something that happens over a long period of time.  There’s no evidence to prove the former, and even if it’s the latter, resurrection that takes that long isn’t generally taken into account when it comes to VS battles, unlike something like Chosen Undead or Frisk’s respawns which are almost instantaneous.  And if you wanna say Soldier came back from being killed by robots in Old Wounds, we see a panel of Medic pouring the blood back into his body in the very next issue.  Not only that, but we’ve never seen this ability brought up again, so it’s more than likely that this was a simple gag scene with no real hard evidence to back up Soldier having any kind of resurrection.

Verdict


(Art by Caden)

Stats

Surprisingly enough, both Soldier and Sarge are quite contentious when it comes to their respective scaling, with some believing certain feats to be viable, while others believe their low-ends are more reliable.  For us, we’ll be using both sides of the spectrum to see how they stack up against one another for the sake of argument.


For Soldier, he should be comparable to other Mercs, including both Scout and Demoman, both of whom could survive three rockets at once, placing their durability around Building-level ranges.  Since Soldier can harm them, he should be hitting within that same ballpark as well, and it’s decently consistent with one of Pyro’s weapons, the Manmelter, being able to reach similar levels of power.  Another one of his weapons, the Cow Mangler 5000, is capable of vaporizing the Mercs, so it should reasonably be able to vaporize cows as its name implies.  The energy required to do this would need to be around 15 tons of TNT, placing Soldier at City Block levels of power; not a terribly big jump from Building.  As for speed, he’s unfortunately not nearly as impressive, but should still be around the speed of sound by being able to dodge arrows and rockets from other Soldiers, including the Direct Hit empowered by the Precision powerup, which is even faster than his standard rocket launcher, so Soldier should be around Supersonic+ ranges.  Overall, not too shabby for ol' Jane Doe, but can it stack up to the Super Colonel?


As for Sarge, his best feat comes from him and the other Reds and Blues surviving a 10 megaton bomb, which is explicitly stated to be such.  This would not only put Sarge’s durability at City level, but he should scale in strength as well.  A common refute against this feat is that the bomb supposedly sent the crew through time, and therefore didn’t actually tank it.  In response, a common defense for this is that the time travel never happened.  Both of these arguments are flawed in their own ways.  The time travel did kind of happen; the bomb did cause Church to go back in time, all the way to Marathon, to “prevent” the events of the first two seasons from happening.  However, considering that it’s implied multiple times that the rest of the crew didn’t actually time travel and they only thought they did, it’s likely that Church was the only one who did the time traveling, considering it was him that had the bomb in his body.


But okay, let’s assume that the bomb did, in fact, send the Reds and Blues into the future. That doesn’t necessarily mean they didn’t take the impact of the bomb. Lopez’s body was blown to pieces after the explosion and Tucker was knocked unconscious, so the bomb must have done some kind of damage for that to happen.  To sum it up, there’s not a whole lot of reason to assume the Reds and Blues didn’t take the impact of the bomb regardless of whether or not they were sent through time.  Luckily, speed is a lot easier to explain, as Sarge’s best showings come from dodging a shot from Surge’s railgun and scaling to Felix, who was able to dodge two close-range gunshots in quick succession, both putting his speed around Supersonic ranges.


So Sarge is a lot stronger than Soldier, but is surprisingly beat out in speed by a decent amount.  Still, the AP gap is just far too big for Soldier to really take advantage of that speed edge, so it’s more likely that Sarge would just overwhelm him with his superior strength.  However, let’s now discuss two high-ends that are a bit more dubious than the established stats.


Starting off with Soldier, the Cow Mangler 5000’s description in a promotional poster for Dr. Grodbort’s Victory Pack describes it as being able to quantum disentangle cows, sheep and humans.  This would be different from standard vaporization, as quantum disentanglement would require removing the protons and neutrons from their nucleus, resulting in a much larger energy output of 9.8 gigatons of TNT, putting Soldier’s weaponry strength above that of Sarge.  That being said, Sarge has a similar argument to be made for even higher scaling; remember that 10 megaton bomb we mentioned earlier?  Well, if one were to actually calculate the blast radius of the bomb, the yield is much higher, at 3.7 teratons, which would put Sarge above Soldier yet again.  


Oh yeah and if you wanna say the bomb did send them through time then the bomb was also stated to have destroyed the present so… Uni RvB it’s so fucking joever Soldier bros


So which one of these high-end feats is more reliable?  …neither.


For Sarge, it’s made perfectly clear that the bomb they tanked was only 10 megatons; sure, it’s likely they were dumb in assuming that it was that weak, but considering the video description also describes it as being 10 megatons, it’s likely that the crew only took that amount of the blast.


As for Soldier, the thing about item descriptions in Team Fortress 2 is that they can be quite exaggerated and… questionable at times.  Examples include descriptions for the Flight of the Monarch, the Byted Beak and the Genuine Robo-Sandvich.  They’re very jokey in nature, and not likely something that should be taken literally, so there’s not a whole lot of reason to take the Cow Mangler’s description literally as well.


Put simply, while both high ends might seem fine on paper, they contradict the more common consistency in how both the weapons and bomb are usually described, making the validity of them far more questionable.  This actually makes these high ends quite comparable in viability as they both have the same fault. Good for us, because that means if you buy one you should also buy the other, and vice versa.  Because of this, low ends vs high ends isn’t really a factor.


Overall, both Soldier and Sarge have their highs and lows, but regardless of which one we use, Sarge comes out on top in both cases when comparing the lows to one another as well as the highs to one another.  Whether you personally buy these ends is up to you, but no matter which end you choose, Sarge is solidly taking the strength advantage while Soldier is only barely taking speed.

Arsenal and Abilities

Being war-loving soldiers, it’s only natural these two would come with quite a few weapons. While we did list just about every weapon they can and have used, realistically, they’re only going to carry a few on their person. That being said, Soldier’s kit is far more wacky and out-there in comparison to Sarge. From his weapons that can temporarily increase his firing speed and movement speed, to his rocket jumps that he can chain together to fly all over the place, to his generally unpredictable nature, Sarge has never fought someone quite like the Soldier before. Even with the Warthog at his disposal, Sarge is gonna have a hard time keeping up with his opponent in pure mobility. If anything, Soldier takes the advantage when it comes to the two’s most-known primary weapons; Soldier’s rocket launcher and Sarge’s shotgun, essentially long-range vs short-range. Sarge will have a pretty hard time actually catching Soldier with one of his shots, even if he switches to some of his more mid-to-long range weapons like the Magnum or Sniper Rifle (if he decides to suck it up and actually fire the thing at someone other than Grif). That being said, doing so is not as impossible as it sounds. The main issue here for Soldier is that once he actually decides to start attacking, he’s not going to be able to even hurt his opponent. Keep in mind, Team Fortress 2 takes place around the 1960s and 70s, and while there are some sci-fi aspects of the series, the weapons the Mercs are most known for are primitive when it comes to the literal hundreds-of-years gap between it and the world of Red vs Blue. Even some of their more advanced weaponry like the Cow Mangler and the Manmelter wouldn’t do much to Sarge’s armor, which has survived things far deadlier. So even when Soldier starts shooting his rockets, they aren’t really going to do much to Sarge. Even with his slightly superior close-combat skills, being able to fight robots with his bare hands, he’d probably end up breaking his hand on Sarge’s armor if he tried to punch him. Which means, yes, it would literally be:



Ultimately, while Sarge’s arsenal is quite basic and limited in comparison to Soldier’s in terms of what he’s most often known for using, it’s still far more effective in terms of being far more advanced. Combine that with his armor, and Soldier’s wackiness and unpredictable arsenal won’t really matter in the end if he can’t even hurt Sarge in the first place. Even if Soldier plays keep-away for a majority of the fight with his rocket launcher, he’ll eventually run out of rockets, giving Sarge an opportune time to move in and take Soldier out.

Tertiary Factors

Despite constantly fighting BLU team and going on that Nazi-killing spree until the end of World War 2, Soldier is unfortunately outclassed in experience as well. He was outright rejected from every military branch he applied for, while Sarge has a pretty extensive career in the military with his time in the UNSC, even becoming an ODST and being promoted to Lieutenant. Overall, Sarge has seen quite a bit more action in comparison to Soldier, and fought a wider variety of foes and a war that’s arguably much more dangerous than the ones on Teufort and even Mann vs Machine. In terms of intelligence… well, calling these two Michelangelos would be a huge understatement. Still, much like the orange-banded turtle, Sarge does have his strengths, mainly that he’s pretty skilled in engineering and mechanics, meaning if Soldier does happen to destroy the Warthog, he can fix it up lickety-split. Soldier no-doubt has his moments of intelligence as well, but they’re a lot more far and few-between than Sarge, who can at least pull it together to win the day.

Overall

Soldier

“And from that day forward, anytime a bunch of animals are together in one place, it's called a zoo!  Unless it’s a farm."

Advantages

  • Slightly faster

  • Wider and more varied arsenal

  • Better aerial mobility

  • Better in close-range combat

  • Has some KILLER lines

Disadvantages

  • Weaker regardless of high-ends

  • Wackiness aside, weapons are primitive in comparison to Sarge’s

  • Less experienced

  • Less intelligent

  • No ending to the TF2 comic c’mon Valve

Sarge

“You know what they say, keep your friends close, and your enemies within range of your primary firearm!”

Advantages

  • Stronger no matter what ends are used

  • More advanced weaponry despite being basic in comparison

  • More actual experience

  • Smarter (though considering it’s these two, that’s not saying much)

  • ALSO has some killer lines

Disadvantages

  • Slower and worse mobility even with the Warthog

  • Less variety in weapons

  • Not as good in CQC

  • RvB Zero (please laugh)


In the end, while this matchup does have its points of dispute, and Soldier isn’t completely outclassed by the Red leader in every way, he is outclassed in the factors that matter most. Sarge is just far too strong and durable for Soldier to keep up with; even with using their dubious high-ends, you can’t use one without buying the other considering they run off of the same logic, so Sarge would still be stronger no matter how you slice it. While Soldier does have better mobility and speed which would make it extremely difficult for Sarge to actually hit him in the first place, he wouldn’t be able to stay away from his opponent for very long, and Sarge’s superior advancements make it so that Soldier would realistically never be able to hurt Sarge no matter what. Overall, Soldier would definitely catch Sarge off-guard with his zaniness and unpredictability, Sarge would still be able to pull through and finish him off for good. Looks like Sarge was Red-y to soldier on and give Mister Jane Doe a case of the Blues.

Results

Team Soldier (0) - “You FAILED!”


Team Sarge (6) - LandonTalksALot, CadenDaMonkay, Toppat Torchwick, StrangeFate, Robert Lee, Yuix

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