Friday, December 20, 2024

Shrek vs Conker (Dreamworks vs Rareware)

 

“I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation.” - Joan Jett


Shrek, the grumpy all-star ogre.


Conker, the squirrel who had a bad fur day.


When you’re a massive media company like Disney or Nintendo, you can afford to be a bit cliche from time to time as long as it brings you those sweet greens. However, these two ill-tempered fellows act as a giant middle finger to their respective mediums to an extreme and gross extent. They’re certainly not your picture-perfect protagonists, being quite selfish and unheroic at times, but they aren’t quite as heartless as you might imagine, as when it comes to getting what they want, they’ll do anything they can to carry it out, and even learn some valuable lessons about what’s really important along the way. So what will happen when Conker takes a wrong turn into Shrek’s side of the woods? Will the ogre swamp the competition, or can the squirrel prove to be too fast and too fur-ious for this all-star? Let’s find out.

Before We Start

First things first, given the raunchy and adult nature of Conker’s Bad Fur Day, this blog will be bringing up some pretty gross and even somewhat offensive subject matter, so if you’re squeamish or sensitive to those kinds of things, just be warned and proceed with caution.


For Shrek, we’ll be looking at the original four movies, as well as side material like the shorts, the Puss in Boots spinoff films and show, video games, comics and promotional material. Conker does have considerably less, so we’ll be looking at all of his main canon games, namely Conker’s Bad Fur Day and its Xbox remake, Conker’s Pocket Tales and Young Conker, as well as any promotional material.


As for crossovers for both, we’ll be using items and abilities from said crossovers, but none of the scaling. While you could argue the events of Diddy Kong Racing being canon to Conker, it is a bit far-removed from what he’s usually capable of doing nowadays, so it won’t really be something we’ll take heavily into account. Plus, even if we did include it, we’d have to also include crossovers for Shrek, and at that point it becomes Dreamworks vs Mario, which isn’t something I’m terribly interested in tackling. Hopefully you understand and enjoy it anyway.


Oh, and one more thing, I've been doing it for the past few blogs anyway, but I do want to say that a vast majority (okay, all) calculations were not done by me, and I've left a list of links to blogs and sources where they come from at the very end, so all the credit for that aspect goes to them.

Background

Shrek

“What are you doing in my swamp?!”

Deep within the recesses of the swamps of Far, Far Away lies a solitary, intimidating creature who was content with the quiet and unsanitary life he lived. The big bad ogre simply known as Shrek was feared throughout the land, but if anything, he didn’t mind it. Unfortunately, his life would be uprooted by a horde of fairy tale creatures coming to take refuge in his swamp. Shrek wasn’t having it, so he made his way to the kingdom of Duloc to get the creatures out of his home, tagging along with a talking donkey… Donkey. Lord Farquaad made Shrek a deal; to save Princess Fiona from a fire-breathing dragon in exchange for his swamp being vacated. Shrek reluctantly agreed, and set off to the dragon’s castle to save Fiona. Barely escaping by the skin of their teeth, Shrek, Donkey and Fiona made their way back to the kingdom, only to find out that Fiona had been afflicted with a curse that made her turn into an ogre by nightfall. Realizing his true feelings for her and coming to terms with his own behavior, Shrek stormed the kingdom and crashed the wedding, killing Farquaad and marrying Fiona for himself, turning her into an ogre permanently with true love’s kiss.


The two would then go on to live a happy life together albeit with some ogre-turned-human struggles that came along with it. Eventually, they would have three of their own ogre children, Shrek’s life truly changed forever with the introduction of fatherhood. Despite this, he missed being the big bad ogre of the swamp, and eventually got the opportunity to relive his glory days upon meeting Rumpelstilskin, who offered him a deal to receive a day as a "real ogre". Upon taking the deal, however, Shrek was transported to an alternate reality where he was never born, many events drastically changing due to his absence, and the threat of being permanently erased at the end of the day. However, Shrek found a countermeasure in the contract, where if he could find “true love’s kiss”, he could return to his original reality. And so, Shrek goes off on yet another adventure to save himself and his reality, fighting against Rumpelstilskin’s newfound army with the help of the ogre resistance group led by Fiona herself. After a grueling war that led to Shrek contemplating his life’s choices up until that point, he finally received true love’s kiss from Fiona, returning to the original timeline. 


And so instead of longing for “better days”, Shrek decided to appreciate and accept his newfound lifestyle, his lonely days truly being over.

Conker

“It all started... yesterday. And what a day that was! It's what I call... a bad fur day!”

As a child, Conker was a plucky young squirrel who went on all kinds of wacky adventures; saving his girlfriend and getting his birthday presents back from the Evil Acorn, and even going on go-kart races with the likes of Diddy Kong and Banjo Kazooie. So it may end up as a surprise that he ended up becoming an alcoholic, selfish and money-grubbing jerk later on in his life. This new Conker was anything but his former self, constantly getting wasted at the bar. While he may have been fine with this life of sin and debauchery, unfortunately for the red squirrel, one bad day would change everything.


One night after an intense drinking session at The Cock & Plucker, he found himself lost and hungover, needing to find a way home to his girlfriend. But it would end up becoming a way bigger ordeal than he imagined, as the Panther King sought to capture Conker to use as a replacement leg for his side table. And so Conker set off on this mysterious land to get back home and avoid the clutches of the Panther King, as well as other inane and grotesque creatures that came his way, from fighting a giant glob of feces, capturing villagers to satiate his vampire uncle’s blood pangs, and even getting himself in the crossfire of a war between squirrels and Nazi teddy bears.


While these adventures offered excitement in his otherwise uneventful life, Conker was slowly but surely losing his original purpose to simply get home, his obsession for getting money ultimately being his downfall. After finding Berri, she and Conker would partake in a bank robbery, which ended up being a trap set up by the mafioso Don Weaso and the Panther King. The resulting conflict led to Berri being shot to death, Conker going on to fight a totally-not-a-Xenomorph named Heinrich after it burst from the Panther King’s chest. And after some help from one of the game’s programmers to kill the alien, Conker’s journey had finally come to an end, but at the worst possible cost. While he went on to usurp the throne and become the new king of the land, Conker sat there with his new subjects by his side, cold and bitter at the events that transpired as he contemplated his life up until that point. He didn’t want the kingdom or the fame and wealth that came with it; he just wanted to be with Berri. It’s as he says; you truly don’t know what you have until it’s gone.


Afterwards, all he could do was go back to the Cock & Plucker to get drunk once again, wandering off into the night, all alone. A fitting ending for what Conker himself could only describe as a bad fur day.

Experience & Skill

Shrek

Shrek isn’t one to back down from a fight. While he didn’t have a whole lot of direct experience prior to the events of the movies, he’s shown surprising ingenuity in combat. He’s shown capable of wrestling with knights, fighting off hordes of woodland creatures and even managing to keep up with Puss in Boots, a highly skilled cat considered one of the most skilled swordsmen in the land. He did also end up receiving proper training from Fiona in Rumplestilskin’s alternate reality and was able to keep up with her in sparring matches, impressive considering this version of Fiona had several years of fighting experience under her belt. Shrek has also shown capable of picking up on just about anything he sets his mind to, like when he quickly learned how to fly a broomstick when trying to escape some witches. He’s also a lot smarter than you might expect, able to come up with plans on the fly to outwit his opponents, like when he trapped the Dragon with chains or planned an elaborate scheme just to scare Donkey. 


And before you think otherwise… yes, he can, in fact, freestyle rap. Watch out, Kendrick.

Conker

If you’ve even taken a gander at Conker’s game, you’ll know that he gets himself into some weird shit. Literally! Despite his unsuspecting looks, Conker has gone through a cavalcade of experiences throughout his lifetime, fighting the likes of the Evil Acorn, going on spy-faring adventures, and of course going to war with all kinds of insane beings in Bad Fur Day. In terms of skill, Conker has an aptitude for weapons-based combat and gunplay, able to handle a wide variety of both quite well. He’s particularly good at pointing out weak spots in enemies and coming up with strategies to beat his opponents. Adding onto his intelligence, Conker has shown to be capable of getting himself out of sticky situations through words rather than action, like when he successfully convinced a guard that he wasn’t a squirrel, but rather an elephant, or when he convinced the queen bee to pay him five times the original offer for his services, and even managed to convince the developer of the game to give him an edge in his fight with the alien. He also apparently went to Julliard… sort of.

Equipment

Shrek

Battle Weapons

When his intimidating presence isn’t enough to send folks running, Shrek has been shown capable of wielding many different melee weapons, ranging from swords, maces, axes, flails and shields.

Armor

While it doesn’t quite protect him from a right hit to the cherries, Shrek has used armor that can help him defend against other tough blows, helping out especially in his encounter with the Dragon. It even somehow convinces Fiona that he isn’t an ogre, funnily enough.

Potions

Shrek can utilize several different potions and other concoctions to both aid him and harm his opponents.

Shrek 2 Game

  • Purple Potion: Heals by 50%

  • Pink Potion: Heals by 100%

  • Blue Potion: Makes Shrek invulnerable for a short moment

  • Orange Potion: Increases Shrek’s attack power for a short moment

  • Frog Nog Supreme: Turns a target into a frog for a short moment

Shrek Super Slam

  • Rocket Sauce: Makes Shrek move faster

  • Max Slam Juice: Increases the user’s Slam meter

Misc.

  • Happily Ever After Potion: A potion manufactured in the Fairy Godmother's Potion Factory that makes the person who drinks it conventionally attractive, also affecting anyone the drinker truly loves. If the drinker and their lover kiss before midnight, they will permanently remain in their beautiful forms; otherwise, they will change back to the original forms.

  • Shrinking Potion: A potion by Merlin that was supposed to make Shrek bulkier, but ended up making him smaller.

Chili Pepper

In Shrek Extra Large, he can find chili peppers that do quite a number on his stomach, allowing him to burp up flames, light his farts on fire to create explosions, and let out large fiery farts.

40 Winks Sleeping Gas

A concoction that makes any target fall asleep. May cause headache and loss of limbs.

Itsy Bitsy Dust

A special dust that can temporarily shrink any enemies.

See Me Not

Have any unsightly blemishes? Then try See Me Not, which makes you temporarily invisible!

Love’s Sweetest Delight

An artifact that will make anyone fall in love with the user practically instantly. Surely nothing bad can come from something like that…

Super Slam Equipment

In Shrek Super Slam, Shrek and other characters can pick up a wide variety of different weapons and other items to help them lay the smackdown on their opponents.

  • Fireball Wand: A wand that shoots fireballs

  • Ice Wand: A wand that can shoot ice magic and freeze opponents in place

  • Shrek Wand: A wand with Shrek’s face that uses the power of his farts

  • Gravity Wand: A wand that can let its user lift opponents off of the ground

  • Giant Ham: A giant slab of ham that can temporarily stun foes

  • Hammer of Smiting: A simple hammer that can smash opponents

  • Beehive: A large beehive that can cause bees to attack whoever it’s thrown at

  • Magnet: A large magnet that can attract an opponent towards the user

  • Pirate Cannon: A cannon that can fire cannonballs that can ricochet on walls

  • Fairy Bazooka: A launcher that can send out fairies that home in on an opponent.

  • Pot O’ Gold Grenades: Small pots that explode with gold coins when thrown

  • Floating Air Mines: A quiver full of rockets to strike airborne opponents

  • Viking Horned Helmet: A viking helmet that turns every hit into a Slam

  • Dragon Mask: A dragon-shaped mask that allows its user to breathe fire

  • King’s Crown: A crown that will make everyone cheer for the wearer, leaving them open for attack

  • Mirror Mask: A mask with a mirror that will block all incoming projectiles

  • Pill Bug Ball: Turns the user into a ball.

  • Dragon Sword: A sword that can shoot fire

  • Unicorn Mask: A mask that increases the speed of the wearer

Swamp Moss

In Dreamworks All-Stars Kart Racing, Shrek’s default car is the Swamp Moss, which can be switched out for different chassises, engines, wheels and spoilers.

Racing Items

Because of course Shrek isn’t safe from the kart racing trend, he and other characters have used a wide variety of items in their races.

Smash N’ Crash Racing

  • Jack-O-Lantern: A pumpkin that explodes on contact, causing the driver to become dizzy

  • Giant Beanstalk: Sprouts a large beanstalk that can make drivers spin out

  • Lord Farquaad-in-a-Box: A Jack-in-a-Box with Farquaad’s face that swings its head all around, making it difficult to avoid

  • Goose: Sends out a goose forward to hit an opponent, homing in on them. Knife not included.

  • Frog Balloon: A balloon made out of a frog that can be thrown in front of or behind Shrek

  • Garden Gnome: A garden gnome that can be thrown directly in front of the user

  • Magic Frost: A spell that can temporarily freeze all opponents on the track

  • Pixie Dust: Gives the user a speed boost

  • Whirlwind: Envelops the user in a whirlwind that causes anyone that collides with the user to spin out and become dizzy

  • Shield: A simple shield that can block any attack

  • Ogre Strength: Gives the user a short boost in speed for a short period of time

  • Swamp Gas: Releases a gas that blocks the view of other racers

Dreamworks All-Star Racing

  • Puss’s Guitar: Drops musical notes on the track for drivers to pick up

  • Apple: Sticks onto a racer’s car and explodes after a while

  • Fairy Godmother’s Wand: Fires magic blasts that attack oncoming opponents

  • Magic Nanny Bag: Gives the racer three random items from the item pool

  • Soap Bubbles: Leaves a slippery trail behind the driver that can cause other racers to slip up

  • Bug Spiral: A swarm of bugs that can pick up nearby musical notes

  • Glitter Flowers: Leaves a sparkly trail that can damage other racers

  • Mind Control Helmet: Reduces a target’s speed

  • Shining Heart: Makes the user invincible for a short time

  • Noodle Cart: Drops a cart of noodles that temporarily obscures the driver’s vision

  • Yin Yang Shield: A simple shield that can stop incoming projectiles

  • Poppy’s Cowbell: A bell that the racer can use up to three times to give a speed boost

  • Troll House: Can make a copy of whatever item the user is currently holding

  • Super High Five: A speed boost that can be used as long as the user can mash the activation button

  • Kai’s Swords: Swords that will hit racers and give the driver an extra speed boost

  • Rotten Fishes: Drops fishes that can cause drivers to spin out

  • Monkey: A primate that can steal items

  • Brainbots: Targets the racer in first place and hits any other racer in their path

  • Infuser: Gives all racers a speed boost

  • Rhonda Bug: Summons Rhonda to help the user get closer to other racers

Skateboard

KICK IT SHREK

Conker

Slingshot

One of Conker’s main weapons in Pocket Tales, the slingshot is a simple projectile-firing weapon that uses nuts as ammunition. In Bad Fur Day, Conker can even fire flaming nuts.

Firearms

What would an M-rated action game be without some good old fashioned guns? Throughout his adventures, Conker has used a variety of different firearms to dish out some serious damage. These include, both in the main campaign and multiplayer:

  • Twin Submachine Guns: Two small submachine guns with high rates of fire

  • Tommy Gun: A slightly stronger SMG with unlimited ammo, but with poorer aiming

  • Rifle: An M16-style assault rifle with a high fire rate

  • Shotgun: A close-range gun that can even one-shot some enemies.

  • Revolver: An extremely powerful close-range handgun

  • Crossbow: While slow to load, a good weapon for airborne foes, and even comes with a laser sight

  • Sniper Rifle: A strictly long-range weapon used to pick off targets from far distances

  • Bazooka: While bulky, can fire rockets that can one-shot most foes

  • Flamethrower: A powerful weapon that sets opponents ablaze

Explosives

As fitting of his personality, Conker carries around a variety of different explosives to really bring the boom on his opponents. This includes, once again in both the main story and multiplayer:

Anti-Gravity Chocolate

If there’s one thing Conker loves as much as cash, it’s chocolate. It even acts as his health pool, being able to take up to 6 hits before dying, but can pick up pieces to restore his health.

Chainsaw

Another one of Conker’s more notable weapons, the chainsaw is a powerful weapon that allows him to kill most enemies in one hit, though he has to be right in front of an enemy to do it.

Frying Pan

A giant frying pan that Conker primarily uses as a blunt object rather than making breakfast, even being able to cause a giant stone gargoyle to topple over. He also has a Spying Pan, which is basically the same thing but with an annoying voice.

Baseball Bat

A simple bat that can hit foes right out of the park.

Katana

A sword used by Conker at the end of the game to decapitate the alien. This weapon can also be used in Multiplayer mode, and even makes its user invisible to enemy radars.

Throwing Knives

A small collection of knives Conker can use to cut down ropes and wires from long distances, like cutting down Franky from a noose or disabling an electric wire before it electrocutes him.

Blowtorch

A blowtorch that Conker used to kill bats in a barn, and even used it to kill butterflies. What an asshole.

Headlamp

A helmet with a lamp on the front that allows Conker to see in dark places.

Gas Mask

When tasked with dealing with putrid jobs, Conker has a gas mask that can protect him from all sorts of harmful toxins.

Hoverboard

In order to get his money back from some Uga Bugas, Conker commandeered a hoverboard to glide across the lava and chase after them.

Pocket Watch

In order to stop Fangy the Raptor from eating him, Conker used a pocket watch to hypnotize it into letting him ride it around. It can also tell time, I guess.

Mech Suit

A mechanical suit that Conker used to fight Heinrich at the end of Bad Fur Day. It comes equipped with two giant claws, as well as a jetpack that allows him to hover for a short moment.

Speedboat

No, this is not a giant Dorito covered in ranch, this is a speedboat that Conker has built for him to race against Honker the Skunk in Pocket Tales.

Snorkel

While he may need the confidence to do so nowadays, Conker in his younger years often used a snorkel and mask to help him swim underwater.

Torch

Another tool that allows Conker to see in dark places, though could also theoretically be used to set some foes on fire.

Pickaxe

Just like it says on the tin.

Saw

…do I even need to be here?


Helicopter Pack

In Young Conker, he can use a helicopter-jetpack-thingy equipped with a minigun that allows him to fly around and shoot targets. 

Dragon Helmet

In Project Spark, Conker gains access to a dragon mask that allows him to breathe fire for a short time. Nothing like roasted nuts!

Diddy Kong Racing Vehicles/Power-Up Balloons

In Diddy Kong Racing, Conker can pilot three different vehicles to race across multiple colorful tracks with the likes of Diddy Kong and Pipsy. This includes his trusty kart, primarily used for land races, a hovercraft, which lets him glide across water, and a miniature plane, which lets him fly to reach high platforms that the other two vehicles normally can't reach. Additionally, Conker can drive into balloons that give him a variety of different power-ups that get progressively stronger with each one he collects, including:

  • Red Balloons: Missiles that increase in quantity. One balloon gives just one, two gives one that homes in on racers in front of you, and three gives you ten that you can launch rapid-fire.

  • Blue Balloons: A speed boost that gets progressively faster with each balloon

  • Green Balloons: A hazard that Conker can drop behind him. One balloon is either an oil spill or a gas cloud that causes other racers to spin out, two is a land mine that will explode on contact, and three is a bubble that can temporarily trap foes within it. 

  • Yellow Balloons: A shield that gets progressively tougher with each balloon

  • Rainbow Balloons: A special magnet power; one balloon pulls you towards other racers, two is the same but with a stronger pull, and three makes it so you pull racers towards you.

Abilities

Shrek

Ogre Physiology

It’s true what Shrek says: ogres are like onions, having layers in their unique physiologies in comparison to other fairytale creatures. They have a keen sense of hearing, being able to emit a horn-like frequency from their ears, and Shrek in particular being able to hear an angry mob coming at him from a far distance, surprising considering they produce a shitton of earwax. Ogres also have an enhanced sense of smell, like when Shrek could pinpoint a specific scent and tell it apart from his own foul stench. That’s right, all ogres seem to also naturally produce a nasty odor to keep everyone else away, kinda like (insert fandom here)!

Farts

The funniest thing ever, Shrek’s farts are a lot more than just smelly. They seem to have special properties, like being so rancid that it can temporarily stun and poison any poor soul in its vicinity, and Shrek himself has even claimed that his farts could straight-up kill someone. They seem to also be able to produce a… uh… gust strong enough to nullify the Dragon’s fire. In Shrek Super Slam, Shrek can unleash his Slam ability Green Storm, a large AoE fart that can send opponents flying.

Roaring

Probably Shrek’s most outwardly terrifying ability, Shrek’s roars are so powerful that they can shatter mirrors and create strong gusts of wind that can push many people back and put out fires.

Burps

Another highly funny ability, Shrek’s burps are quite potent, being able to belch hard enough to ignite a fireplace. Fiona was even shown capable of paralyzing a snake with her own burps, whom Shrek’s should be easily comparable to. Burp scaling, everyone.

Fourth Wall Awareness

Although not really combat applicable, Shrek does have a somewhat limited awareness that he is a character in a movie, blocking the camera at the end of the first movie before he kisses Fiona and even having his own show where he talks to the viewer directly.

Conker

Context Sensitive

Throughout Bad Fur Day, Conker can find special patches of ground that essentially grant him Hammerspace, allowing him to miraculously pull out whatever weapon or item he needs in that particular situation. This includes giving him Alka Seltzer to cure his hangover, gaining confidence pills to give him the courage to go underwater, and even weapons to counter whatever enemy he’s facing, like toilet paper for the Great Mighty Poo or bricks with the Big Big Guy. In Project Spark, Conker can even summon these pads wherever he wants, showing that they aren’t locked to one particular area.

Tail-copter

A technique that allows Conker to hover across gaps by spinning his tail like a helicopter blade.

Anvil Ground Pound

By miraculously shapeshifting himself into an anvil, Conker can use a sort-of ground pound to crush enemies beneath him or activate switches.

Peeing

If Conker has enough of a rough night out, he can whip his shit out and pee all over the place. His urine is surprisingly powerful however, being enough to put out fires and even push around large boulders.

Fourth Wall Awareness

Conker is fully aware that he is a character in a video game, often talking to the player directly and even giving them instructions on gameplay mechanics, and more notably at the end of the game when he asked the developer to help him out. In the remake, he was even aware of the fact that certain events in the original game were changed.

Digging

In Pocket Tales, Conker can find small patches of dirt that he can dig under and surface to a nearby set of dirt, usually to get across walls or fences.

Size Manipulation

Mentioned earlier, Conker can grow to large sizes in his dragon-head state.

Farting

Conker can weaponize his farts and knock out enemies while bouncing around.

Broadway Force

Donning a slightly-culturally-insensitive afro and mustache, Conker can make his opponents dance. The OG Boogie Bomb!

Resurrection

Probably one of his more notable abilities given how it’s acknowledged within the game itself, Conker can essentially cheat death and come back to life as long as he has squirrel tails that he collects throughout his arduous day. But how many lives can he get, exactly? Well, Gregg the Grim Reaper himself says that squirrels have as many lives as they think they can get away with, though that on its own is a little vague. So by taking into account the two lives he starts with after meeting Gregg, combing through the game’s chapters to find all the squirrel tails he can collect, and taking into account the secret red tail in Chapter 3 which gives him 10 lives, Conker can find up to 17 extra lives, bringing his maximum count to 19. It is worth noting that the game’s life count does go up to 99, though it’s technically impossible to get it normally without cheats or exploits. Regardless of how many he has, it is still a finite amount that can be depleted if Conker messes up too much, as it has been shown Conker can still get a game over upon losing all of his lives.

Forms

Shrek

Human Form

After drinking the Happily Ever After Potion, Shrek turned from his ogre self into a fully fleshed human. The OG Tumblr sexyman.

Ogre Claus

Donning a Santa outfit, Shrek can channel the powers of Santa Claus to spread some Smelly Christmas cheer. He can fly by sticking his finger into his nose, and his burp is so powerful that it lets out a shockwave and completely transforms the house around him.

Conker

Bat Conker

As it turns out, Conker comes from a long line of vampires, and is turned into a bat by his great great great great great grandfather Count Batula. He can fly around and stun villagers by shitting on them, and is even strong enough to lift and carry them long distances.


Support

Shrek

Dragon

In the first film, Shrek was able to whistle and have Dragon burst through the castle. She has your standard draconic abilities; flying and fire breathing, and is even powerful enough to blast holes through mountains. He’s seen riding and piloting her quite a bit throughout the franchise, though probably not as much as Donkey has…

Pants Phantoms

After eating a particularly nasty meal, the farts that Shrek had afterwards were so rancid that they gained sentience and became incorporeal ghosts. Well, sorta anyway, they can still be touched physically. However, they can be taken out by harsh winds and fire, and Shrek isn’t exactly in control of them, and even tried to fight him, so it’s a bit of a double-edged sword.

Swamp Beast

In Shrek Smash N’ Crash Racing, Donkey managed to get his hooves on Fairy Godmother’s wand, which transmuted a normal snail into a giant moss-covered beast that Shrek can ride to use in races.


Conker

Fangy the Raptor

In the Uga Buga arena, Conker manages to hypnotize a dinosaur into letting him ride it. He can ride Fangy around and eat anything that comes his way. However, Fangy will try and bite at Conker if he gets knocked off, so it’s not always super reliable.

Franky the Pitchfork

During the Barn Boys chapter, Conker ends up helping a talking pitchfork named Franky from hanging himself (which he would’ve failed at anyway due to his lack of an esophagus), and ends up working alongside him to defeat the Haybot. Conker can ride on Franky’s back and poke anything that comes their way.

Feats

Shrek

Overall

  • Saved Fiona on multiple occasions

  • Gained love and respect after years of being feared

  • Helped Arthur Pendragon become the new king of Far Far Away

  • Escaped being erased from existence

  • Defeated the Dragon, Lord Farquaad, Fairy Godmother and Rumplestiltskin

  • Ran for president

Strength

Speed

Durability

Resistances

  • Fragrance Manipulation & Poison Manipulation: Is unaffected by the effects of his stench and farts, which is so potent that it can poison others, and even ate a poisoned, raw fish without any ill-effects.

  • Fire Manipulation: Regularly deals with fire and feels no pain, like putting out a torch with his bare hands or being blasted with fire by a Dronkey.

  • Cold Manipulation: Able to walk through harsh winters for hours

Conker

Overall

  • Went through an entire adventure in one day

  • Saved Berri and his birthday presents from the Evil Acorn

  • Survived the war between the squirrels and the Tediz

  • Defeated the Evil Acorn, the Big Big Guy, the Great Mighty Poo, Dr. Von Kriplespac and the Panther King

  • Became the new king of the land

  • Had a short-lived rap career

Strength

Speed

Durability

Scaling

Shrek

Puss In Boots

The swashbuckling feline himself has gone on numerous adventures with Shrek, having fought alongside him and is even portrayed as weaker overall, so Shrek should reasonably be comparable to Puss in Boots’ accomplishments.

Misc.


Conker

Various Characters

Weaknesses

Shrek

As said earlier, ogres have many layers, but not all of them are beneficial. Shrek can be fairly overconfident in himself, which often leads to him not taking things as seriously and leaving him wide open for an attack. Shrek also has a bit of a short temper, and can get easily aggravated if things don’t go his way, which can also be a detriment in a fight.

Conker

Aside from a very obvious Microsoft joke and his status as a depressed alcoholic, while Conker is quite crafty and determined, his biggest vice is his greed, typically only doing things for others if there’s money involved, and tends to jump headfirst into situations without really thinking things through, often leading to getting himself into even worse situations as a result. This is ultimately what led him to losing Berri, essentially back at square one by the end of the game.

Before the Verdict

MFTL+ Puss?

In the Puss in Book: Trapped in an Epic Tale Netflix special, Puss gets transported into a magical storybook world and tries to escape. At one point in the story, he ends up getting teleported to a random point in space and just… gains the narrator’s powers and flies to another story. Because apparently that’s something he can do. Calculations for this feat get up to millions, even quadrillions of times the speed of light.


This feat is a bit complicated, however, as there’s elements working against it. Firstly, the special the feat comes from is no longer available in any official capacity, meaning it’s hard to say if it’s even canon to the series anymore (and more difficult to research given the only footage I could find was the aforementioned link). But hey, we’re using other questionably canon Shrek media anyway, so this should be fair game too, right? Well, even with that, there’s the other big issue of consistency and context. Pretty much no other feats within the Shrek universe get anywhere near even the low ends, making it difficult to apply to the verse overall. Furthermore, Puss only does this once he temporarily gains the powers of the Narrator, and has never been shown capable of flying naturally, so it’s unlikely he’d be able to pull off something like that again, especially outside of the storybook. If there were other MFTL+ feats to support this, then it could be arguable, but it struggles to stand just on its own.

Can Conker use the developer?

Put simply, no. Some people tend to assume that the developer is something that Conker should have regular access to, but context is important here. This entire situation only happened because the game froze up spontaneously and he agreed to not tell the studio about it in exchange for the programmer's help. Furthermore, Conker says that he forgot to ask them to bring Berri back to life, implying that it’s not something he can do at will or ever do again. As such, this is pretty non-standard help that is a one-in-a-million chance to happen again.

Verdict

Experience/IQ/Skill

Undoubtedly, Conker was way more experienced. He’s been going on adventures for way longer and has gone on a bigger variety of challenges in his tenure, from spy adventures to kiddie romps to straight-up war. While Shrek has gone through quite a lot, he not only started his journeys much later in life, but his escapades usually reside within his fantasy setting and not much else, while Conker’s adventures venture into both fantasy and sci-fi. Though Shrek does have experience against other skilled fighters like alternate-reality Fiona and Puss in Boots, so he has that going for him.


In terms of intelligence, it was a bit tricky to pin down. Conker was apparently smarter, having gone to Julliard, and both are quite the sharp tools in the shed in a fight, having been known to take advantage of weaknesses to come out on top from time to time, and can be quite deceptive when they put their mind to it. However, Shrek does tend to let his temper get to him when things don’t go his way, while Conker has generally shown to keep a cool head in the face of adversity, though his greed can often cloud his judgment. Additionally, Conker does have experience against opponents much larger than him, and could likely figure out a way to simply outsmart the ogre, especially since Shrek is arguably just as imposing and gross as some of the bosses in Bad Fur Day.


Still, Shrek isn’t completely outmatched here. He could potentially see Conker as just another small animal trying to harm him and subdue him with a fart or a burp like he usually does, both of which would be extremely deadly to Conker if they were to hit. So while Conker overall does take the edge in experience and skill, Shrek’s intelligence and instincts could give him the leg up he needs.

Arsenal & Abilities

At first glance, it may seem like Conker has a pretty clear edge in the sheer amount of weapons at his disposal. His wide variety of guns are certainly not something Shrek has ever had to deal with, and he has a lot of different options when it comes to close and long range attacks. However, Shrek is surprisingly just as armed to the teeth; swords, wands, potions and whatnot, he has enough to match many of Conker’s weapons. That being said, Conker does have some counters to not just Shrek’s equipment, but his deadlier abilities. While he would be susceptible to Shrek’s deadly and poisonous farts normally, the gas mask and protective mech suit could essentially nullify that, and his pee could put out any fire-based techniques like the Fireball Wand or the Chili Pepper, or just use the dragon mask or blowtorch to fight fire with fire or blow away the Pants Phantoms. Not only that, but Shrek has never shown any resistance to hypnosis, which Conker could do with his pocket watch, so the red squirrel isn’t completely outmatched in this area.


But Shrek does still have some aces up his sleeve that Conker doesn’t really have an answer to. He has many different options for controlling the pace of the fight like making himself invisible for a short period and ways to make himself completely invulnerable to traditional means of damage. Not to mention all of his methods of constantly keeping Conker on his toes, like homing fairies and bees with the Fairy Bazooka and Beehive respectively, telekinesis with the Gravity Wand, or even just turning Conker into a frog with Frog Nog Supreme or making him fall asleep with his sleeping gas. Shrek also has many means of defense as well, with his aforementioned invulnerability, armor, shields and healing potions. However, Conker does also have methods of defense with chocolate, yellow balloons, the mech suit, and of course his revives.


Speaking of, let’s talk about that pesky little ability. As mentioned earlier, Conker could theoretically have up to 99 lives, as that’s the max cap in Bad Fur Day, but based on the amount of extra lives throughout the game, a more safe and conservative amount is 19. Regardless of which one you go with, it is still a finite but still large number that can be overcome with enough effort. So the question is, would Shrek be able to cope with Conker coming back to life time and time again? Well, the ogre’s stamina and survivability is nothing to scoff at. He’s been able to travel through harsh conditions seemingly without any real stress, and was even able to keep escaping the Dragon despite being hit in the balls. Hell, he didn’t even notice that he had been shot in the ass with an arrow until someone pointed it out to him, showing that it takes a lot of effort to really tire Shrek out. So while he may struggle a bit getting used to Conker’s ability considering he hasn’t really had to deal with something like that before, it’s not something he couldn’t adapt to and overcome with his endurance and survivability.


Covering other aspects of their arsenals, both have methods of flight, with Conker’s bat form, helicopter pack, hoverboard and airplane, and Shrek’s ability to summon Dragon, meaning he could easily keep up if the fight took to the skies. Both also have karts from their respective racing games, but Shrek’s is more customizable and rugged than Conker’s, and even just Smash n’ Crash racing items are more varied than the Power-Up Balloons.


Overall, Conker does have some notable advantages in this category like his hypnosis and counters to stuff like Shrek’s farts. However, more often than not, Shrek would be able to not only power through Conker’s deadlier options, but put down the red squirrel for good with his wide variety of fight-ending equipment. And even if he has to play the war of attrition, he’s shown that tiring him out is no easy feat, especially since Conker doesn’t really have any way to capitalize on tiring Shrek out or hypnotizing him, which we’ll cover right now.

Stats

You probably already know where this is headed.


When you really look at everything these two have to offer, a clear picture is painted. Conker’s bare minimum feats get him to the Wall-Building ranges of AP; blowing up rocks, surviving a tank exploding, and being comparable to Private Rodent who can survive a military bunker exploding, he’s certainly a tough nut to crack. But him being able to fight the Evil Acorn, who can survive being blown into space (these Conker characters really like blowing up, huh?), can let him get to the Town-level ranges of power. And in terms of speed, his bullet-dodging feats were certainly impressive, but his best feat involves being able to dodge a missile, putting him in the lower Hypersonic ranges. 


However, Shrek just simply outdoes anything shown in the Conker series by a wide margin. Even with some of his lower, standard feats like causing Merlin’s tower to crumble would put him well above Conker’s tank explosion. This gap only gets wider the farther you go, however, as since he’s much stronger than Puss in Boots, who tanked blows from Toutatis, who could contend with Brigantia, who was capable of stopping large earthquakes, Shrek should be within the range of over 62 gigatons of TNT in raw power, far above that of the Evil Acorn’s 108 kiloton explosion. Not only that, but even without scaling to the likes of Fairy Godmother’s Relativistic magic blasts or Puss’s dubious space travel feat, Shrek should be above the likes of Donkey, who could move in tandem with a lightning blast, and can keep up with the Dragon, who could fly at speeds at least Mach 99, putting his speed way above that of Conker’s Mach 8 reactionary feats. 


Now it would be remiss of me if I didn’t at least bring up the high ends for the two that some may argue. If you do want to say that Diddy Kong Racing feats are valid for Conker, then he can easily get up to Large Island-level AP and MFTL+ speeds thanks to his encounters with Wizpig in the campaign, which would put him well above the initial stats presented for Shrek. But similarly, there are arguments for Shrek to not just match, but surpass that. This would require you to buy Puss’s space travel feat without any caveats, which would put Shrek hundreds of thousands of times faster than Wizpig's own space travel. However, remember that particular feat where the Bloodwolf’s energy illuminated the moon and was sent back down to Earth? Well, if we were to use the KE, the resulting blast would’ve required 46.3 ronnatons of TNT, which is Dwarf Star level; keep in mind, the rest of the cast would scale, considering Puss was able to tank hits from the Bloodwolf. This ultimately puts Shrek massively ahead of Conker’s highest AP end. Now, is using these high ends exactly reliable? Probably not, though your mileage may vary based on how you view outliers and canonicity, and it’s really up to your own interpretation as to whether you think these characters are that strong or not; it’s just to show that regardless of which one you go with, Shrek is tough enough and quick enough to stay right on Conker’s tail.

Conclusion

Shrek

“You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again." 


Advantages:

  • Takes the stat trinity in spades

  • Resists or counters many of Conker’s best abilities

  • Has many ways to put down Conker even without brute strength

  • Potentially has the stamina to burn through Conker’s lives…

  • Generally equal in versatility and mobility

  • Better rapper


Disadvantages:

  • Wouldn’t have a counter to being hypnotized

  • …but could get exhausted by the sheer amount

  • Not as experienced

  • Can let his temper get the best of him

  • Shrek: The Musical

Conker

“It's true what they say. The grass is always greener, and you don't really know what it is you have, until it's gone. Gone. Gone." 


Advantages:

  • More combat-experienced and level-headed in a fight

  • Could potentially outlast Shrek with his revives

  • Has some counters to Shrek’s deadlier abilities…

  • Hypnotism is not something Shrek could counter

  • Generally equal in versatility and mobility

  • At least had a good Xbox One port


Disadvantages:

  • Massively outstated

  • …but also doesn’t have counters to others like transmutation or sleep manipulation

  • His many lives are still finite

  • Lesser healing options

  • Rap career was as successful as his franchise


Shrek and Conker certainly have quite a lot to give in a fight to the death, but the big bad ogre just had what he needed to win it more often than not. He’s far stronger and faster than anything Conker could deal with, had more plentiful options to burn through Conker’s lives, and could tank anything he could throw at him and just blast through any defenses the squirrel had. And unfortunately for Conker, aside from some niche counters and options to get a tail up on the competition, he otherwise didn’t have a whole lot of tools to get around the wide stat gap, meaning he was bound to get overwhelmed very quickly.


Conker was a crafty little squirrel, but Shrek had the power, kit and all-star attitude to make a believer out of Rareware’s rascally rodent.


The winner is Shrek.

Next Time

Yet another one down. Once again, thanks for taking the time to read this. Fun fact, I actually had this one started way before I announced it, so finishing it wasn’t quite as arduous as starting from scratch. Regardless, I hope you enjoyed this one even if it did touch on a lot of points already presented in other blogs with these characters.


This is officially the end of the 2024 batch; I have the upcoming lineup planned, and I do not plan on changing it like I did with the previous ones, so hopefully I can improve the quality and deliver the absolute best possible results I can in the upcoming year. And with that, here’s a quick look at what's to come in 2025!

Source/Credit List


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